Billionaires Seek Bailout to Offset Stock Market Losses


The Independent reported the world’s richest billionaires lost a collective $182 billion in one week after the NYSE plummeted 500 points.

billionaire bailout

This extreme loss has led billionaires to speak out about an urgent need for a government financial bailout to help them overcome the huge hit to their respective self-esteem.

Mark Zuckerberg took a nearly devastating blow when he lost an estimated $1.9 billion plunging his fortune to a mere $37.8 billion.

“It’s a confidence killer,” Zuckerberg never said, regarding his losses. “You work so hard to get richer and richer and then have to suffer such a horrifying setback. And, unfortunately, the losses have put me in an icky headspace of what the lower class must feel like when they lose their jobs and houses and cars or whatever and I don’t like feeling that way.”

Zuckerberg said he desperately needs a confidence booster in order to continue growing his fortune.

“If the government could cover my $1.9 billion loss, plus add a little more, I think I’ll regain my relentless confidence to keep working to become #1 on the Forbes’s World’s Richest Billionaires list (he’s currently 16). At this point, to be honest with you, I totally feel like quitting and living on my private island. The government needs to give me money now or I’ll probably end up completely unable to function and will start falling on the Forbes’ list.”

Other big losers include Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos, who said his arrogance is being challenged.

“I’m finding it hard to maintain my arrogance as I lose billions,” Bezos said. “If I’m not able to be an arrogant prick, who the hell am I? I encourage Congress to step in and cover my losses before I have a full-blown identity crisis.”

Bill Gates, who lost 1.2 billion, said, “I’ve had to spend the weekend in Hawaii trying to find myself. This has been the most trying time of my life. I really hope the government can help me. That’s all I have to say. Having trouble formulating thoughts.”

Larry Page, the CEO of Google said he’s lost some of his feelings of superiority due to the huge loss his fortune has taken.

“I’m a math guy. So let’s put how I feel on a scale of 1-to-10. 10 feeling the most superior to other human beings and the universe. 0 feeling the least superior. I fell from a 10 to a 9.5 after this stock decline. If losses continue, I could end up a 7. Help me.”

The billionaires collectively said they encourage the Obama Administration and Congress to halt everything they are doing and put an emergency finacial plan in place next week to cover their financial losses before their self-esteem further declines.

“Just think if I didn’t feel good about myself, ” Zuckerberg concluded. “The world would be a less better place.”

Send this to friend